Trying To Forget, But Unable To
by HourGlassGirl
Summary: This takes place after Edward leaves Bella in New Moon, I always wanted to know what happened to Edward once he left. However what happens when Alice has a vision that shatters all he knows, and turns his world upside down -- Bella isn't in Forks!
1. Chapter 1

**Forbidden to Remember, Terrified to Forget**

Part One

September 13th. I hated that day, I hated to be reminded of that day. But I also couldn't forget it, forget the way it changed the rest of my life -- correction, the rest of my existence. I never hated being immortal more then in this moment, because I never wanted to die more then right now. I could still see it all so fresh, leaving her in the woods, walking away from her. I never wanted to do that, to leave her like that but what choice did I have? I put her life in danger far too many times now. My angel, my love, my Bella. Just saying her name made it hurt, made me want to fall apart.

Telling her I didn't want her, that I would be easily distracted when I knew it was impossible. Nothing was as hard as that, all hundred years of my existence and none of it compared to the pain I felt when I ran through those trees. Not that first day I met her, not the burn in my throat was I wanted her, thought of ways to kill her just for that sweet scent of her blood. Not even once I tasted it after James attacked her. All of that was child's play next to that day in the woods.

"I just wish I could sleep." I said to myself, because I knew my dreams wouldn't be torture, waking up would be when I realized she was gone and it was my fault.

"Edward you need to go hunting." Esme said, as she came to find me once again, sitting in a tree staring out at the world and not seeing any of it. Starvation seemed like a good idea right now. She knew I wouldn't answer, but she always tried. I knew this was hurting her, to see me like this but I couldn't help it.

_I'm so sorry about you, you aren't yourself anymore. I know you love her, but you made this choice, you had to know it would be difficult._

I knew she was trying to get me to listen, like they always made me try to listen -- their thoughts. The one thing I couldn't block out no matter how I tried. I just shook my head and jumped down, taking off running as always. But I could never outrun the memory, never outrun the worst thing I ever did.

----

October

November

December

It all passed so slowly. Just a blur of days and hours, and yet nothing seemed real, nothing seemed to dull with time. If anything it all was still so fresh. As if the days were taking longer then normal. Everyone around me seen the change, the way any life I had left in me slipped away. I was paler then normal, and my eyes were always black, due to my lack of hunting. But I enjoyed the burn I felt, it was my cross to bare for what I did to her. For the pain I caused her that day. My temper was getting the best of me, and everything seemed to set me over the edge, probably the reason I was planning to leave. I couldn't do this to them anymore, to let them see me slip away from reality.

Emmet and Rosalie didn't understand, so they left me alone. Esme had made it clear no one was allowed to upset me, and they respected that. Then there was Alice, the person I was closest to and the one I was sure to miss the most next to Bella. She also told me everything was fine, but never mentioned Bella, I told her not to, not to look for Bella's future, to leave her be. She either did, or blocked her thoughts, because she never told me anything, even in her thoughts. Carlisle was the most helpful, he avoided me at all costs, and blocked his mind when he was near me. He didn't want to make this worse, and I thanked him for that. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to be alone. Even if it was to wallow in my self pity. Jasper was always trying to make it better, trying to change my mood but I never let him. I needed to feel this, I deserved to feel this. The hole in my chest where a heart should have been, I knew it was irrational. My heart stopped beating long ago, but that didn't matter to me it was a hole. A hole that would never be healed!

I went up to what they claimed as my room and sat there in the dark, listening to the wine whistle through the trees and cringed. It was in perfect tempo with _her_ with her lullaby, the one I wrote for her. I hadn't even looked at my piano since that day, it was there in the living room but I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to be reminded of what I lost, I already had enough memories.

"Go away." I growled as I heard Emmet and Alice approaching. Esme sent them, I could hear it in their thoughts, they didn't want me to go. But how could I stay? How could I stay when I know it was killing them to see me like this?

_Not until you hear us out._ Alice's voice shot through my mind, and I looked away from the door, there was no stopping her.

"Man you can't leave," Emmet said as they came in the room and found me in the darkness. "Where would you go?"

"It doesn't matter," was all I said shaking my head. Nothing mattered without her.

"Of course it does, you can't just walk away from the family." Emmet tried again, but Alice stood there silent. She knew none of this was helping, but she understood his need to try. There was doubt there would be a hole in the family if Edward left. So she left Emmet keep going, getting it all out.

"Emmet, I know what you are trying to do and it won't work. I don't belong her anymore." I said and continued to stare at the wall. _I don't belong anywhere_. I said to myself, hoping they wouldn't hear me.

I waited for Alice to speak, knowing she was trying to put something together, but in her mind she was counting in Italian, surely trying to keep whatever she had away from me.

"I didn't want to do this." Emmet said and I grabbed him before he could get it out, throwing him into the wall. I could hear it in his thoughts.

_Bella wouldn't want this, no matter how it ended she wouldn't want you do this to yourself. To have you fall apart like this, a mess._

"You have no right!" I screamed, more of a growl, more intense then I knew I was capable of. But Emmet just pushed me off him and went on.

"You need to hear this, you need to understand what you are doing. You made your choice, you chose to walk away and we all followed without a second thought. You made the choice to walk away from her, now deal with it! Didn't you think of what it would be like?" He screamed.

"That's so easy for you to say, you know what Rosalie is doing, you see her every day. Go to bed each night knowing she is next to you, knowing she is fine. I don't have that luxury, and its killing me. To not know she's ok, to not know how this is affecting her. To know there's a chance she moved on, found someone else to love, to take away the pain I caused her when I left. But knowing it was what needed to be done -- to protect her! So don't you stand there and act like this is easy, like it can be fixed over night because it can't. Leave Rosalie somewhere and then come talk to me, maybe then you'll get it." I screamed and threw open the window, prepared to jump out but something in Alice's mind stopped me.

"Tell me you're wrong." I said and watched as my sisters face was blank. "Where is she?"

_It all moved so fast, I don't know._ I read her thoughts trying to find an answer but there was nothing, she was. Emmet stared at us confused by was immediately at Alice's side.

"Where is she?"

"I don't know, she isn't in Forks." I backed away, into the wall and tried to breath, I knew I didn't need the air, but I needed to do something. I needed to focus on something that wasn't panic. Bella wasn't safe, she wasn't in Forks. She wasn't safe with Charlie in the confines of a normal existence.

"What is going on?" Carlisle said as he came in my room but I barely seen him. I was trying not to panic, it was all such a mess in my head. Where would she go, was she headed to Jacksonville with her mother? Or maybe Phoenix with someone else? Would she be ok, would she have someone watching out for her? I seen them all whispering and couldn't stand it, so I dove out the window and started to run. I knew I didn't know where she was, I knew I didn't know where to find her, but I had to look.

_We don't know where she is yet, let me see if I can figure it out before you go looking for her. Besides its not like you can just go to Charlie and ask him. I'm pretty sure he hates you right now._ I could hear Alice behind me, all her thoughts and came to a crashing halt. She was right!

"You need to go, you need to go to Forks and ask Charlie. Please." I begged, though I should have known it wasn't necessary. If anyone was taking this close to as bad as me, it was Alice. She loved Bella like family and I shouldn't be so harsh to her.

"Calm down, we'll go see Charlie. Well I will and you can stay in the shadows, I will see what I can do." She said and I nodded, I just needed to know she was ok.

_As hard as I know this is on you, its good to see you upset, at least its something compared to the ghost I hated to see._

"I'm sorry, I know you miss her too." I said softly and stood there.

"Go hunt, if we are going to get on a plane and be around people then you need to get your self control back." She said and then I looked at her, I couldn't even remember where we were now, I never even bothered to know.

"How far away are we?"

"I'll make the arrangements, just try to pull yourself together somewhat before I have two people to worry about." She said and was gone, but I knew she was right. I couldn't go searching for Bella in my current state, I needed to put myself together. I needed to figure out what I was going to say once I did find her.

----

It felt like days, as I ran back to the house from the forest. I ate the first thing I found, a couple of deer and headed to find Alice. There were a million thoughts running through my mind as I thought of how my day changed so drastically. I started out a shell, no life, no light anymore. No laughter, no smiles and here I was showing determination for the first time. I was off to Forks, the one place I swore I would never go to again as I searched out my Bella. I grabbed my chest as I said her name, feeling the edges of the hole raw again with agitation and mentally tried to prepare myself for whatever came next.

If I found her, did I go back to her? Drop to my knees and beg her forgiveness and promise to never leave again? What if she wasn't happy, what if she was miserable -- was I ready for that? Could I see her that upset and walk away? Maybe she was happy, but was I ready for that either? Could I really stand there and watch her with someone else, knowing I wanted it to be me. As I got to the house Alice was already having Jasper through a bag into the car, surely for me. Knowing I wouldn't waste time packing, I could buy anything I needed, but I couldn't wait to get to her. To find her and see for myself that she was ok.

Rosalie and Emmet stood there with Carlisle and Esme waiting for me to say something but I didn't. I raised my hand and pinched my nose, trying to make all their mental thoughts stop. It was as if they were screaming.

_Be careful son, I'm sure it won't be easy for you no matter how you find her. Happy or sad it's going to tear you apart, not that you're not already there._ Carlisle, he was always trying to help me.

_I hope you find the peace you need to come back to us, its been a long time since I seen my Edward._ That was Esme, always the motherly figure, wanting everything to be perfect. She was also the only one that ever truly experienced true loss. She knew the pain I was in, she knew how it made you want to die -- what sent her over that cliff in the first place.

_You clearly love her if you are this determined to find her, I should have seen it all along. I'm sorry I didn't understand before._ It was the first nice thing Rosalie ever said to me and meant and I thanked her for that.

_I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that earlier. I wouldn't be dealing well if I had to loose Rose, so I guess I really don't understand. I just wanted my brother back, my real brother._ Emmet made his plea and then it was Jasper's turn.

_Good luck, I'd go but Alice is insisting I stay her. Protect her for me, and let me know if I'm needed. I never want to know the pain you are in now. I could understand his plea and nodded, this was when my gift came in handy. I knew everyone had their own thoughts of what I was doing and this was my private way to hear them. I hated being the spectacle, and now I wasn't -- or not fully. _

_As I got in the car with Alice, I felt as if I could truly understand what was happening. Like could find a way to survive this. I wasn't sure what was going to happen when I eventually found her, but I did know my choice would be made. All I needed was one look to know where I belonged --- with her, or forever without her._

-----

A/N : OK SO I PLANNED THIS TO BE A ONE-SHOT, BUT IT WAS LONGER THEN I ORIGINALLY THOUGHT, SO I FIGURED I WOULD SPLIT IT IN THREE. HIS JOURNEY TO HER, FINDING HER, AND WHAT HAPPENS AFTER HE FINDS HER.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: OK I FORGOT THIS IN THE FIRST ENSTALLMENT, but I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT!! THE WONDERFUL STEPHANIE MEYER HAS THAT RIGHT AND I AM JUST BORING HER CHARACTORS FOR THE AMUSEMENT OF MYSELF AND OTHER FANS WHO FEEL THE FOUR BOOKS WEREN'T ENOUGH….THIS ENSTALLMENT IS CONSIDERABLY LONGER THEN THE LAST ONE BECAUSE I WANTED MORE DETAIL IN ON HOW HE FOUND HER, AND HOW HE FELT IN THE PROCESS…._

_OH AND LEAVE ME COMMENTS, I'M DYING TO KNOW WHAT EVERYONE THINKS OF MY SPIN ON BELLA AND EDWARDS TIME APART._

_------_

_Part Two_

_I didn't know what to do on the plane, I tried to ignore all the thoughts but Alice. She was the only person that could really help me with this, help me figure out if I was doing the right thing._

"_Do I have the right to go back?" I asked in a low voice, still unsure if I did have that right. I seen the heartbreak in Bella's eyes that day. "I broke her heart, I know that."_

"_Do you still love her?" She asked and I just looked at her, it was the most ridiculous question. "Ok, so then I think you do have the right." _

"_I hurt her,"_

"_And you paid that price, besides I told you she would be in our family. I still feel that way, and I'm not saying she isn't going to be angry with you. But, I know she still loves you."_

"_So maybe its not too late?" I asked in a voice only she could hear. I knew she loved me, I still felt that, but that didn't mean she was willing to forgive what I put her through. _

"_Who can resist that Cullen charm." She tried to joke, and I just shook my head. Bella did always say that I dazzled her, and I never intended to do that, so many I could get her to at least hear me out. That was all I needed, just to listen to me. _

_The plane ride was explicably slow, I hated it. I just wanted to run, as if that would help me cross the distance any faster, maybe. It didn't matter I was on the plane and had to stay there. So I closed my eyes and let myself feel! I went to my happy place, laying in the meadow with Bella. My arms wrapped around her while she curled up against me. That was everything to me, and even with my eyes closed, even though it wasn't real I had to smile. For in that moment, the couple moments where I tried to block out the pain, let myself fantasize where I would be if not for my stupidity, I had my Bella. _

_You know, you can have that again if you actually stay this time._ I could hear her thinking and just ignored it, she wasn't ruining my one moment of happiness, the only moment I would allow myself to be happy.

"Attention all passengers, please buckle your seatbelts, we should be landing in a couple minutes." The captain said and I couldn't help but smile, I was closer to my Bella. We would land in Port Angeles and it was only a short drive to Forks. The hardest part would be letting Alice go in alone. I wanted to be there! I wanted to go in that house and have that scent back. It had been too long since I had it fill my nostrils. But I knew she was right, Charlie would always hate me for how I left things with Bella, and I knew I deserved that. But Alice was someone he loved, someone he trusted and someone he would confide in.

"You seem distracted, I'll drive." Alice said as she picked up our rental car. She was right, I didn't want to focus, I wanted to focus on Bella. Besides, Alice drove just as fast as me, it wouldn't take long before I would have an answer.

As we pulled up in front of Charlie's house, I could tell Bella had left recently, I could still smell her. There had to be a reason she'd leave in the middle of the year, not long after Christmas Vacation. Something was off, I could feel it. I leapt out of the car and went to the woods on the side of her house, and felt that tearing in my chest as the memory crashed to the front of my brain.

_Calm down and stay close, I will do the best I can._ I nodded and she walked up to the door. I took a deep breath and hoped she would get what I needed.

------

(Alice's POV)

Ok I can do this, so what if it hurts to go looking for the best friend I'm not allowed to have anymore, I need to do this for Edward. He never truly asks anything of us, and he needs this. Hell the whole family needs to know she's safe, its like a black cloud has been hanging over our heads since I had that damn vision. I took a deep breath and reached out to knock, hoping I would get the information I needed.

"Alice, what are you doing here?" He said and I tried to fake a smile.

"I came to see Bella, I was in town…and I thought I would stop by." I said sweetly, hoping he would buy it. He stared at me for a moment, watching me, as if looking for some sign of what else I was saying.

"She's not hear, she left this morning." He said but still invited me in, and I sighed in relief.

"Oh," I said, not needing to hide my disappointment. I truly hoped the vision was wrong and I would find her here. "How is she?" I said and watched his face fall, it wasn't good.

"She isn't my Bella anymore, she hasn't been since that day Sam found her in the woods." He said slowly and sat down with a cup of coffee and I instantly wanted to cringe, this wasn't good at all. "She didn't come home after _he_ left her in the woods. She wandered around, got lost and fell. She hit her head and was unconscious for a while and we didn't find her for hours. It was the hardest thing to do, watching as they brought her home, she looked so broken. But nothing prepared me for what came next…" he said and trailed off for a minute.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean…" I started, feeling this was hard from him but he stopped me.

"No its ok. You were always a good friend to her, and she felt the same way about you." He said and took a deep breath. "She didn't eat, didn't drink, just laid in bed staring at the window. No matter how cold it got she refused to close that window, would be on the verge on a panic attack if I did so I just let it go. Then the nightmares started, every night like clockwork. She'd wake up screaming, and when I got to her, she'd be crying uncontrollably so I tried to help her, talk to her. But nothing worked, so I called Renee. She wanted to take her to Jacksonville to be with her and Belle threw a fit. She has never been one for hysterics, but she threw a fit. She refused to leave, threw everything she got her hands on, cried for what seemed like hours and begged me to let her stay. So I relented. I hated seeing her like that, so dead and lifeless." I counted the breaths he took, as if trying to get it all out quickly. "I thought she'd get better, and she tried, I know she did it for me. But she tried, went to school, ate, went to work. But that life she had was gone, she lost weight, grew paler then ever before and just got lost in herself. She didn't read books, didn't listen to music and never once turned on the television. She was hiding -- and I didn't know how to help her. I started to worry, and talked to a doctor at the hospital, and he said it was severe depression."

"But she's ok now, right?" I said, not even hiding the panic in my voice. This couldn't be happening, Bella couldn't be this much of a mess, she couldn't be destroyed. Edward would never survive it. And then it hit me _Edward_ he was listening…

"I waited and hoped she would snap out of it, but she didn't. Even Christmas did nothing, she just would sit in her room staring out that damn window. I don't know what she was looking for, but I know what she was avoiding _him_!" That last breath of his took forever and I was impatient, I needed to know the state of my once best friend. "I went into her room yesterday, looking for anything that would help me understand and there was nothing. But she broke down when I told her I was worried. All this time, and no dates, no nights out with friends, no phone calls to anyone. So she agreed to my ultimatum, to send her away."

"Away…away where?"

"Pittsburgh, I have some family there and I was hoping if she had a vacation. Went somewhere different she would see life was worth living. I tried to send her somewhere sunny, but she refused. Claimed she didn't like the sun anymore because it made her feel lonely." He shrugged but I understood, she wanted to go somewhere where _we_ could go, well _Edward_ could go. "I convinced her to go for a week, stay with my cousins or, she had to go see Dr. Anderson at the hospital…" Charlie didn't need to finish that statement for to know what that meant. He was going to put her _in _the hospital. "I just couldn't watch her self destruct anymore." He said and I had to work on my breathing, I forgot to while he spoke, seeing it all in my head, feeling all that pain, one look at his face made it all evident.

"I'm so sorry, I wish I had…"

"Don't, you didn't do this _he_ did, he isn't here is he?"

"He wouldn't, he thought it was best if the break was clean with us moving."

"That's why its like he dropped off the face of the Earth?" He asked and I had to give him that, Edward would be furious but I had to give him that. He deserved that little piece of mind.

"Ya, he knew he wouldn't be back, we move around a lot and he felt bad for letting it go as for as he did. He didn't want her to hold on, but I he didn't take it much better." I said, and looked down at my lap, remembering him those first weeks, he was the same as Bella -- dead!

"Oh, I just assumed…" he said and trailed off.

"How could you know, it was an impossible situation. But I'm so sorry to intrude, its late, I should really be going. I was suppose to be in Seattle already to catch my plane and go back home." I said and stood up, I couldn't sit there anymore, I couldn't watch how upset this made him. I had to get Bella back, and make Edward see this wasn't the best. Though I'm sure he knows.

"Are you sure? It's getting late?"

"I'll be fine, but thank you for telling me about Bella and don't tell her I was here. I don't want to make things any worse by bringing up memories of my brother."

"It might be for the best." He said and hugged me, and I could tell he was a little happy to get it all off his chest. "Thank you for listening though, I think I needed that more then I thought."

"Any time, I didn't come here just to see Bella you know." I tried to joke and was thankful I could lie so convincingly in that moment, I needed it to hide all the emotions running through me. As I walked out and got in my car, Edward was already beside me. I knew we were driving, he wouldn't make it through another flight, the moment I was out of Charlie's sight I floored it. Driving from Seattle to Pittsburgh, this would take a while.

The drive started out quiet and I knew he was processing it all, but I wished it would stay that way. I didn't want to see that pain twist on his face, that guilt.

-----

(Edward POV)

It felt like my body was on fire as I heard Charlie's words, it was impossible not to feel the guilt rise up in my throat. If I were human, there is no doubt I would be throwing up, I could just taste the bile in my throat. I was tempted to go up to her room, just to be near her but didn't dare. If I went there, no one would ever get me to leave until she came home. I killed her, not literally but I took away her life. Charlie made that very clear, and I knew it. I felt it, so how did I think she would be ok? How did I delude myself into believing she was fine?

"We need to stop for gas, but we should be there tomorrow if we drive straight through." I heard her say but didn't acknowledge it. I felt my phone in my pocket and knew it was Jasper, he was worried. Alice ran out to pay and I answered it.

"She's putting gas in the car." I said and heard his sigh of relief.

"How are things?"

"We're driving to Pittsburgh I can't do this anymore, I need her. I need to make this right." I said and pinched the bridge of my nose again, trying to find some sense of peace in his world. A shread of evidence that he didn't ruin Bella's life when he left. That something else caused this mess, anything to take away the guilt that was overwhelming him.

"Why don't you run? I'm sure it will be a lot quicker then driving."

_Don't even consider it, you need to calm down and we need to come up with a plan. We will be there tomorrow with the way we drive and it will give us time to think._

He heard Alice's thoughts and knew she was right, he needed time to pull himself together if he would ever be a help to Bella.

"We need to get a plan together." He said simply and hung up, he couldn't listen to Jasper's thoughts anymore.

_That wasn't nice._

"I don't care, I couldn't take all the accusations and questions. I just want to wallow in guilt alone, I don't need anyone else's thoughts ruining that. I did this to her, I deserve this." I said and turned to face the window, prepared for the hours it would take to get to Pittsburgh, all the while happy I wasn't driving. I couldn't have concentrated enough.

-----

The hours rolled by slowly as I let it all sink in. Seeing my precious Bella so lifeless in Charlie's mind took all the strength out of me. I couldn't fathom my leaving would do that to her, I couldn't understand how a vampire leaving to protect her would destroy her so utterly. Then it hit me, she was destroyed because she was right, we needed each other! I felt as if there was a hole in my chest, something I couldn't seem to fill no matter how I tried since that day in the woods and she was the same way. We were two halves to the same whole, and therefore needed one another. One could not survive without the other, so I would just have to be more careful -- more cautious. Because I would never let Isabella Marie Swan out of my life again.

As we pulled through the tunnels and I seen the city lights I had the faintest smile. It was as it the city itself was opening up to me, telling me I was doing the right thing.

_I didn't realize how pretty this city was at night._ I heard Alice say and smiled, she was right and here would be the place to find Bella. First I just needed to find where she was.

"Any ideas on how to find her?" I asked and she shook her head, but I was hoping she would find something soon. "We should find somewhere to stay, I mean we need to seem as normal as possible incase…" I trailed off and she nodded. I just wanted to find my Bella.

Alice found us a hotel outside the city, figuring Bella wouldn't want to be surrounded by people. I wanted to just drive all around looking for her but I knew it was impossible. I couldn't read her mind, therefore her thoughts were useless and I didn't know anyone here so I wouldn't know if they seen her. I was helpless, until Alice could focus on her again.

"I will try, but you know things aren't always that easy." She said as we sat in our hotel room. I went to take a shower while she sat on the bed. I needed a distraction, and figured Alice would like to have a minute alone to focus. I tried to imagine where she would go, what she would use to hide behind and I couldn't think of anything. But instead, all he thought of was one of their days together, alone in the meadow.

**Bella and Edward were laying in the meadow -- their meadow. She had her head on his chest and they were staring up at the grey clouds. Edward was humming her lullaby for her and she was trying to avoid sleep.**

"**You know, I've never felt more complete then now. Here in your arms, it's the most real thing I have ever know." Bella said and Edward revealed in it. It had been a long time since he felt needed, and Bella always made him feel that. Like he was apart of something. "Please don't hum, I don't want to go to sleep. I just want this afternoon with you." She said and he stopped, leaning over to kiss her forehead. **

"**Ok." He said and pulled her even closer to him. Just holding her was enough for him, but he felt as her hand wound around his neck, trying to pull him into a kiss. But he laughed and pulled away. "Bella, behave." **

"**I try, but its so hard when you are just so tempting." She said and he laughed, it was always the same excuse and he gave in to her, for a moment. **

As Edward came out of the shower, he shook away the memory. He needed to focus on the present, not the past. Then he heard his sister gasp and ran out as he pulled on his shirt.

"What is it?"

"Bella, I can see where she is, or where's she's going but I don't know how to find it." She said and started to draw a picture of the city, but I could see that wasn't going to help us. Clearly she was in the city, we already knew that. "I'm sorry, its just so fuzzy. I don't think she's there yet, its more like a decision she made. Maybe tomorrow?"

"That gives us time, we can do this. But first I have a feeling you need to get some clothes and we should really go hunting soon if we are going to look for her." She nodded and we left, it was late and we were sure to find something in the woods.

----

The next day as Alice was getting us some clothes, I was sitting pretending to drink a cup of coffee. I didn't even notice the people as they passed by, nothing smelt appetizing to be anymore -- not like Bella or even close. I watched everyone, hoping to see her, but didn't. Even the thoughts I heard weren't of interest to me, so I blocked them out -- except for Alice.

"All ready?" I asked as she came out of the store.

"Ya, but its not fun without Bella. I miss her." She said and I nodded, I knew this was hard on her too. She loved Bella too, the whole family did with the exception of Rosalie. Emmet wanted his little sister back as he called her, Jasper still felt guilt over the birthday party incident and wanted to apologize. Then there was Esme and Carlisle who wanted the girl they thought of as their daughter and me well I just wanted my love back!

"But I know we'll find her. I can feel it, I just don't know how." She said and stopped in front of a window, and ran into the store. I was confused, it just seemed like a tourist trap. T-shirts and postcards for travelers, definitely not something Alice would ever dare wear. It was tacky to say the least and Alice wasn't that.

"Alice what is wrong with you?" I asked but she was holding up a post card, staring at it.

"This is where I seen her, she was looking at this exact picture from somewhere." She said and I took it up to the cashier.

"Excuse me, we're from out of town, could you tell us where this was taken from?" I used my silkiest of voices, trying to _dazzle_ her as Bella called it.

"That was taken up on Mt. Washington on one of the look outs, there's two. One a little further down from the other, it's a huge tourist attraction because of the view of the city. Just go up the Monongahela or Duquesne Incline from Station Square. They will take you right up there." She said and I smiled as if she gave me the best news in the world.

"Thank you so much for your help." I said and bought the post card, for some reason I felt like I needed it. As is it brought me closer to her -- to my Bella. We left and I looked at Alice.

_Lets split up, I'll go to one and you the other, they can't be far apart. I'm sure you'll hear me if I see her._ She said and we drove there, it was easy enough to find once we knew what the lady was talking about. I wanted to be in both places at once, but that didn't seem to be possible with all the people around. _It was dark out when I seen her, so I'm sure we have an hour or two at least before she shows up. So we don't look suspicious we should probably go somewhere and come back, but not far I promise._

I could hear her thoughts as if she was next to me and knew she was right. The last thing we needed was someone asking questions of why we were standing here for hours on end, especially since we weren't carrying a camera like everyone else. I took another look at the post card and headed to meet Alice. Sure there was somewhere close we could go. She smiled and we picked a coffee shop across the street, people sat there for hours, right? It was a typical human thing to do, besides it was in between the two lookouts and knew he would smell her the moment she came into the area. That was the one thing above all else he knew he would remember instantly -- it was instinct that made this all start to begin with.

We sat there for hours, exchanging small talk before I simply got up and walked away. I needed to go, and I needed to be on that look out NOW! Alice didn't follow me, I'm sure she knew exactly what was drawing me away from her and to the night air. I walked out and across the street, holding my best control to be human, act human. When everything in me was screaming to use my speed!

------

(Alice POV)

I watched him walk away and knew she was here. I remembered the way she smelled too, it was floral and perfect for her. I wanted him to have that moment, to try and put back together what they had. Besides I was overdue for a call with Carlisle and Jasper.

"Jazzy," I said and heard him sigh. I knew he was worried, but there really wasn't a need. "I am fine, it seems things are a lot more difficult then we originally thought." I said and took a deep breath before recounting my talk with Charlie and I know that Jasper was wincing at the details. It was heartbreaking, and he was feeling it all double, for himself and me.

"How is Edward taking it?"

"Better now that I think we found her. But for a moment I didn't think he was going to be able to make it here. That's why I wanted to drive, he needed to deal with all this. Bella isn't Bella now, she is this zombie that walks and eats when forced, but she is dead inside. He blames himself for everything, and I know he seen what she must look like now in Charlie's head when he was describing how she changed. Which is why I need to talk to Carlisle, is he there?" I asked and waited. I needed to hear what he thought, he would know more then anyone -- besides maybe Edward what was best for Bella. He was the doctor after all.

"I overheard most of it, but is this really true?"

"Edward read Charlie's mind, overheard our conversation and I've never seen him so guilt ridden. I mean, Bella only came here to avoid being hospitalized. Why would they do that?"

"Depression is dangerous Alice. Bella isn't thinking like the girl we know, she is confused and upset, that makes this all the more difficult because she is so upset. She lost the man she loves, I truly believe that and from the details of how Edward left, its safe to say he did all he could to make sure she wouldn't follow him. So you can only imagine what he told her…" he stopped and I remained quiet. I knew what Edward had said, I seen it and knew it must have killed her.

"He said he didn't love her, that he would find a new 'distraction' as he put it. She must feel so alone."

"Exactly, that is why I am hoping you find her. Because is she is this far into her depression, a hospital could make things worse…"

"And seeing Edward?"

"Is the thing she needs to shock her out of this and bring her back to our side. But first you need to find her." He said and Alice smiled.

"He did, I just hope she doesn't have a heart attack when she turns around and sees him." She said and watched the scene unfold.

-----

(Edward POV)

I crossed the street and stood there staring at her. She was leaning up against the railing and I felt nervous, she wasn't good with possibly dangerous situations. I moved closer, slowly near her incase she fell or the railing gave. Both so typically my trouble magnet of an angel. I wanted to grab her, pull her in my arms and never let go, drop to my knees and beg forgiveness but I couldn't do that. I needed to do things the right way, the way she needed them to go. One look told me what I seen in Charlie's mind was right, she isn't taking care of herself and was fragile. I knew she was crying, so I took another step towards her -- slowly!

I didn't want to startle her, so I waited for her to notice me. I was close to her, but she didn't notice yet, so I took another step.

"Edward, please let it really be you this time." I heard her say in the smallest of voices. I felt a rush go through me like nothing I'd ever known at that moment.

"It's me Bella, I'm here." I said in the softest voice I could, knowing she heard me and took another step towards her as she turned around.

"Are you real? I don't think I can deal with another hallucination." She said and I shattered into a million pieces, if I could have cried I would in that moment. I felt like I should break into a million pieces and my face screwed up, I knew she seen the pain twisted there. I reached for her, putting my hand out and hoped she took it in hers, proof that we had something to discuss…either way, I would help her through this. All it took as one look at her to know I'd never leave again, not unless she asked me to. Then and only then would I abandon her again!

------

A/N: SO WHY PITTSBURGH? WELL ITS WHERE I'M FROM AND EASY FOR ME TO DESCRIBE. PLUS WE HAVE HAD A LOT OF RAIN AND CLOUDY DAYS, SO IT SEEMED TO FIT. LOL AND IN CASE YOU HAVENT BEEN TO HERE…THE PLACE I DESCRIBED IS REAL, AND DOES HAVE AN AMAZING VIEW OF THE CITY WHERE THE THREE RIVERS MEET. I PUT A LINK BELOW IN CASE YOU'RE INTERESTED.

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	3. Chapter 3

_Part Three_

"_Bella I'm here and I'm real." I said and closed the distance between us. She reached up and rested her hand on my cheek, and I closed my eyes, revealing in the warmth. I put my hand on hers and just looked into her eyes, trying to remember how I was ever here. How I ever convinced myself to leave her in the first place._

"_Why are you here? You said it would be like you never existed."_

"_I came back for you." I said simply and watched as so much confusion crossed her face. "Can we talk, I know you are furious with me and I can accept that. But please just let me explain." _

"_This is going to hurt," she said so low, I don't think she meant for me to hear._

"_What is going to hurt?" I asked and she shook her head._

"_When you leave again, this memory, seeing you is going to make it all that much worse." She said and I wanted to cry -- if I could. She thought I would leave her again? I broke us, any trust she had in me, any love and understanding was shattered when I told that lie in the woods._

"_Please can we go somewhere and talk," I said and hoped she said yet._

"_I should go back to Craig's house, he will be worried about me." She said, but never moved from my side._

"_Ok, we can go there. Anywhere, I just want to talk to you, to explain." I tried, seeing how fragile she was. I heard Alice's thoughts before she ever came up to us. She had a plan. _

_Let me try, maybe I can get her to trust me._ She thought, but I never moved. I couldn't pull myself away from her, even as the first burned in my throat at the smell of her blood. I forgot how potent it was, how hard those first days were, and now it was like starting over.

"Bella," she said softly and walked over slowly. I know we must have come off as strange to everyone around us but I didn't care. This is what she needed, and I would give her anything. "I know this is shocking and maybe we shouldn't be here. But I had to know you were ok, your future was so jumbled and I was worried."

"Alice?" She said and turned to my sister as she dropped her hand from my face and ran to her. Throwing her arms around her and hugging her. "I've missed you." She said and I closed my eyes, trying to hold back the pain. She missed my sister, but didn't miss me. I knew it was the anger, the shock of seeing me but it still hurt. I wanted her to embrace me, forgive me. But I didn't know if she was ready to, if she would ever be ready to.

"Bella, we really should go somewhere else." I heard my sister say, and hoped she'd agree. Bella didn't say anything, just took Alice's hand and followed her to our car. We went back to the hotel and I never felt more useless. Bella didn't need me, she didn't even want me, she had Alice.

_Edward she's afraid and she thinks you are going to take her home and leave again. She's protecting herself, trying not to make it hurt. She doesn't want the pain to get worse, and getting close to you, letting herself admit you are here -- came here for her will make it all the more painful if you leave again._ I listened to her thoughts and stared at the wall. I wanted to reassure you, but I didn't know how.

"Bella are you ok?" Alice asked and I watched them, Bella was sitting on the bed staring.

"Ya, I just don't understand." She said, and kept staring at her hands, as if looking for an answer there. "I don't understand why you are here?"

Alice went to answer but I stopped her. This was my mistake, my mess and I would fix it. I would help Bella and then find a way to make this work, to make US work. I went over to her and got on my knees in front of her, lifted her chin so she would look at me.

"Bella I came for you, I couldn't stand being away any longer and when Alice said you left Forks I was terrified. I didn't like the feeling of not knowing where you were." I said and then regretted it as I started to see the anger shoot across her face.

"You didn't like not knowing where _I_ am. That's funny because I never knew where you were. Months and months I waited and there was no word. It's wasn't bad enough you went away but you took my family with you." She said and now I was the one shocked and confused. What did she mean _family_?

"You were living with Charlie, and I'm sure Renee was keeping in touch…"

"Not my parents, yes I had my parents. Two people who fight over me, who don't understand me. Yes I got to keep those. But you took everyone else, my best friend, the people who understood me, protected me and didn't judge me. I didn't even get to say goodbye." She said and started to cry. I hated when she cried, it was like this pain ripping through me, I wanted to make it better, I wanted to heal what was broken but I didn't know how.

_That's why everything was so jumbled, she didn't know where she belonged. She always fit in with us, from that first day she fit in with us. Always the one apologizing even if it wasn't her fault, she was afraid we'd leave her. She wanted us as her family, she thought of us as her family. That's why she was so hurt, we abandoned her._

"Alice stop." I said and looked down at the ground. "You didn't do anything, none of you did. This was mine and mine alone. I was the one that made us leave, and I was the one that insisted no one say goodbye." I said in a low growl, but the way Bella looked at me I knew it wasn't low enough, she heard me.

"You did that? You took them away? Why? What gave you the right to make all these decisions for me." She said and went to hit my chest but I knew it would just hurt her, so I grabbed her hands and held them tight to my chest. "How dare you take everything away, use me and then throw me away. You promised you'd always be there for me, you'd always protect me and then you were gone. You never even loved me." She cried and I let her go, she needed this, she needed to get it all out. "I loved you, I loved you with everything in me and you lied. Every time you said you loved me it was a lie, I was nothing to you." As she let the rage take her she cried herself out and I lifted her and put her in bed as she started to go slack against me.

-----

While Bella slept I paced and Alice tried not to let me hear her thoughts. She was distracted as if trying to hide something important. She called and pretended to be Bella, claiming to have met up with someone she use to know and was going to have lunch. That seemed to buy us time, but I wasn't keen on her going back ever. I never wanted her out of my sight -- let alone in a place I didn't know and people I didn't trust yet. She was too precious for that, she was my angel -- my Bella.

"Edward calm down, she is just trying to understand that's all."

"She is furious with me, she hates me."

"No she's confused and upset. Both of which she is allotted after what you did. She's right, you did make choices for her, you decided to have her alone rather then with us." She said and smiled. "She thinks of us as family, I knew I was right when I said she would be one of us."

"This isn't the time for that, I need to help her. Charlie was right, she isn't our Bella right now." I said and continued to pace while I waited for her to wake up. To let me see those beautiful brown eyes. I heard her whimper in her sleep, and then she screamed. This must be the nightmares that Charlie kept talking about. I was at her side in an instant, pulling her into my arms and whispering softly that it was going to be ok. She still seemed so upset, so I did what I always did -- hummed her lullaby.

----

(Bella POV)

I could feel the nightmare pulling at me and pulling me back into that world of darkness. I tried to fight it off, tried to stop it before it overtook me but couldn't. I screamed and instinctively wrapped my arm around my stomach, trying to hold myself together. Not allowing myself to fall to pieces again I didn't need to scare Charlie. Then I heard someone, hushed voices and someone humming. Only one person hummed that song --- _Edward_ he was the only one that knew that melody. It was my lullaby, the one thing he gave me, wrote just for me.

That's when it all started to come back to me, going to Pittsburgh. Leaving my family to go off on my own. Standing on the outlook and watching the happy city around me. Seeing the happy couples, the people holding hands and wishing I could be that. Then I felt a shiver run up my spine and knew he was there, he was always there with me. But when I would turn around it was usually gone, he was gone and it was just another fantasy stopped too soon.

Then I seen him staring at me, so many emotions displaying on his face, shock -- fear -- guilt and love. That was what confused me, he said he didn't love me. He didn't want me and I needed to move on to someone I should be with her. It was HIS family, not mine. I could remember it all so clearly. So I stared and tried to answer his questions but it all seemed so wrong, so confusing. Then I seen Alice and I felt my everything get so bright. She wanted to help, that was clear so I went over to her. She didn't do this to me, she didn't reduce me to this -- _Edward did_. So I embraced her and followed her to the car. I knew talking was inevitable and it should be done in private. But I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk. It was going to hurt so much, being with him. Letting him be my rock, be the person to put me back together and then walk away to leave me fall apart all over again. I wasn't sure I could do it.

As I slowly opened my eyes, remembering me yelling at him while he stood there. He just let me go, as if sensing I needed to let it go. I thanked him for that, I needed to let go and finally got that. I could be honest and not fear the looks or the judgments from others. I could just feel and say what I felt. It was like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I didn't register that I was sitting in his lap as he held me, just that he was humming my lullaby and that I felt safe. I didn't know what would come next, but I just let myself feel and for the first time since he left -- I felt whole.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled and felt him smile against my hair.

"You have nothing to apologize for. I'm the one that should be begging for forgiveness. I lied to you, I made choices for you and no matter what my logic, it wasn't fair." He said and I leaned into him, not realizing Alice seemed to have slipped out the minute I woke up. She must have thought we needed some time alone but that started to scare me. What if he left me alone again? And I didn't have my best friend to help me? "Bella there's something you need to know." He said, and shifted me in his lap so I could look at him. "I lied to you when I said I didn't love you and there was never a distraction. Nothing could rid you from my mind or my heart. I love you as much today as I always did. I just thought you deserved a real life, a human life and I didn't want to take that from you. I never imagined you would believe me so quickly --- and when you did I just assumed you'd be able to move on…" I just stared at him in disbelief. It was all so ridiculous how could I accept this when it didn't make any more sense now then it did then.

"I didn't believe you, I tried to but it never added up in my mind." I said and slipped off his lap to stand. I couldn't think when I was that close to him. It made everything jumble in my mind and I needed to focus. There was something in your eyes that contradicted everything you said, but I didn't get a chance to confront you. That's why I tried to find you, afraid to leave the woods. Afraid to leave Forks, or close my window. I kept thinking you'd come back."

"If you didn't believe me…." he started and stopped.

"I tried to, I figured if I could accept you didn't love me then I would be able to let you go. But nothing worked and it was killing Charlie. That's the only reason I agreed to a vacation as he put it. I couldn't hurt him anymore, it wasn't fair." I said and then I looked at him, just realizing something. "Wait if my future was confused for Alice. How did you find me?"

"Well, she just seen you weren't in Forks. So we went to see Charlie. He told Alice all about what happened after I left." He said and I knew he listened, and seen what Charlie seen when I was brought home. What I have been for the months he was gone. "Then we came here, she had a vision of you at that place, but we didn't know where it was. So with the help of a post card and some cashier we found it. Then we waited all day at the coffee shop waiting for you to come here." He said and pulled the post card out of his pocket.

"If Alice knew where I was, then why the post card?" I asked and he looked at the ground.

"I don't know, it made me feel closer to you somehow. Its ridiculous I know…"

"It's sweet." I said, loving that he felt just as torn to be with me as I was to be with him. But I needed to ask the one question that was burning in my throat "Are you staying this time?" I asked in the lowest voice.

----

(Edward POV)

I explained and listened, trying to find my balance. But when she got up and put distance between us I was worried. She was moving away from me, but why? I loved her and she loved me there was no reason for us to be apart. But when she asked if I was staying I truly started to see just how much I hurt her. She didn't trust me anymore and that was worse then anything. I needed to rebuild that trust.

I stood up and closed the distance between us and felt her flinch at my touch. Tears stinging in her eyes and wanted to fix it, make it better so how. The only thing she ever truly wanted for me was my love and my honesty.

"Bella," I started and put her hands in mine, pulling her against me. Sliding my hand up to cup her face and stare into those gorgeous brown eyes that I loved so much, even when they were haunting me. "I have spent months trying to justify being away, trying to make it seem noble when I was in all honesty falling apart. Now, I want nothing more then to make up for that." I said in barely a whisper, hoping she seen the honesty in my eyes. "You know I love you, that I have always loved you. I lied when I said I didn't, and I swear there was never anyone but you. All these years of my existence, there was never anyone that meant more to me then you, that I loved at all, especially not the way I loved you. I have felt like half a man since I left you that day. But now, being here, and even though I know you are furious with me, and you hate me for what I did. I still feel more alive then ever before, I feel whole again. The pain that seared through my chest is gone. The whole filled, all I needed was to see you again, look into those beautiful brown eyes and know I was home."

I watched her face as I spoke, listening to her uneven breathing. As if searching for an answer somewhere in the room, her eyes trying to find any place that wasn't on me. I waited, letting her hear me, really hear what I said and waited for her response.

"I felt exactly the same way." She said and I waited to understand. "There was this whole in my chest, and I needed to wrap my arm around myself to keep me from falling apart. I love you Edward, but I don't trust you. You left because you were afraid for me, when you should have stayed because of that. You should have been the one to protect me, the one to make sure no one hurt me. You leaving didn't help anything Edward and I never could have had a human life -- a normal life. The moment you walked in that cafeteria I knew my life was forever changed." She said and reached to put her hand on my chest, right where my heart should have been beating, as always never flinching at the cold contact on her warm skin. "I loved you then and I loved you now, but I don't trust you."

"I know and you're right. I shouldn't have abandoned you and I shouldn't have taken away our family." I said and watched as the recognition crossed her face as my slip. I meant to say something else…

"Wait, _our_ family?" She said, and I seen the first signs of a smile on her face.

"They are just as lost as I am, even Rosalie isn't happy these days. Not that she ever truly was. Then there's Alice, who of course feels lost without her shopping partner, and Emmet who wants his little sister back -- that's always how he thought of you. Esme and Carlisle weren't happy with things either, they wanted us to be together, they wanted to see us happy and to see you again." I couldn't stand it anymore, I needed to hold her again. So I pulled her tightly against me, as close as I could get and kissed her forehead. "I know we can't fix this overnight, but I promise to try and make it right. Anything you ask I will do, your wish is my command. Just tell me we have a chance, that you still want me as part of your future and not just a ghost from your past. I'm not leaving your side, not while you're in Pittsburgh, not on the plane ride back to Forks. And not when we get there." I whispered, as I leaned my forehead on hers and then went to kiss her again, a chaste kiss.

"Come on Edward, I seem to remember you doing better then that." She said, and smiled fully, and pulling me into an intense kiss. As if that was going to make it all better, and as amazing as it seemed -- it did. I never felt more alive then in that moment, her lips on mine and that intense feeling running through my body. I pulled away as we both gasped for her, hers out of need, mine out of habit.

But our moment was interrupted before I could claim her lips again and take away all the pain we were both in from those months apart. Alice came running through the door loaded down with shopping bags.

"Oh good, you two have finally made up, that went quicker then I thought." She said and I pulled Bella tighter to me, not wanting her to ruin the moment completely. Not wanting to share her yet, surrender her to anyone but myself. I considered throwing Alice out and making her go shopping again but I knew it wouldn't work. So I tried something else -- the truth!

"We were in the middle of that," I said through gritted teeth.

"Whatever, you cost me three months and I have a lot of time to make up." She said and I groaned as I heard her thoughts. She clearly wanted to play _Bella Barbie_ as she called it, not that I didn't love the outcome, but I wanted her to myself still. "Fine, I'll go get dinner." I said when I heard Bella's stomach grown and reluctantly let go of her.

"Wait what?" She said and then groaned as she started to look in the bags. "So it begins." She said and plopped down on the bed. "No pizza, and something small." She said and I kissed her quickly.

"You haven't been eating well, that is evident and I plan to rectify that. I plan to make these three months just a blur as I give you the future you always deserved." I said and disappeared through the door, already with a million plans to make it all better.

----

(Alice POV)

I watched my brother walk out and knew things were on their way to being what they were. Bella looked better then I seen her on that look out. She had some color in her cheeks, and there seemed to be some life in her eyes. As if she found her place again and I knew it all had to do with my brother. Those two always had this undeniable connection, I knew it from the moment they met. I told him that their lives were intertwined, fate had something in store for them that neither could outrun.

"I see you and my brother are getting along a little better." I said and Bella smiled.

"I love him, but I can't trust him right now. He says he isn't going to leave, but how do I know he means it this time. He told me that before, when I was in the hospital in Phoenix and then he left. He says he left to protect me, but how did he expect me to be safe without him?"

"What happened with Jasper…" I started but she cut me off.

"Was an accident, I was clumsy and cut my finger. I know how hard it is for you guys to be around me, its going against your nature, your common make up to be near me and not hurt me. I know the danger I put myself in every time I walked into your house, or go in your car. Jasper would never intentionally set out to hurt me, I know that and I know Edward does too."

"He worries about you, just like Jasper for me. And Emmet for Rosalie, even Carlisle worries about Esme. That is how love works, you always worry about the other person. But its worse for him, you're more delicate then we are, there are so many more things that can hurt you -- that can't hurt us."

"I know that, I know I make things hard for him -- but if he loves me then he should want to protect me himself."

"He does, but he thought you wanted more, wanted a normal _human_ life. Something you will never have with him."

"I don't want normalcy, I want Edward! I have been dead for months without him, and I think he felt the same way."

"He didn't want to be with our family, spent most of his time wandering around the woods by our house. He didn't hunt, or play the piano anymore, didn't even unpack his stuff. He just seemed so lost."

"Because he needs me just as I need him, but what happens when I get hurt, or someone tries to come after me again like James. What then? Is he really going to stay, or is he going to leave me even more heartbroken then last time?"

"I don't think the family will ever let him do that again. No one has been happy." I said and then changed the subject she was getting upset and I didn't want that, not to mention Edward was due back and he would rip me apart if he thought I hurt her in any way. "Ok, lets get you out of those horrid clothes. Sweats don't look good on anyone."

"Coming from the person who would wear a burlap sack and make it look good." She snapped and I laughed.

"Good you are getting your spunk back, I've missed it. Shopping isn't fun without you, everyone in the family just takes the clothes I give them, and wears them without question. But you would always argue with me, make me want to strangle you. It was more fun."

"I guess, so what do you have in store for me today." She said and I started to pull things from the bags, jeans and shirts, all a size smaller then I usually bought her to handle the weight she lost. "These fit a little better." She said as she looked herself over in the mirror.

"That's because they are a different size, you really need to eat more. Your body needs to eat, and you are not helping anyone by starving yourself."

"I know," she said and looked at the floor. "It was never about loosing the weight, I just liked the control I had." She said and I looked at her confused. "When Edward left and took you all with him, I felt like my life was spinning out of control. I didn't get to make choices for myself, and well eating was a choice I got to make and no one could make it for me. It was a sense of balance almost."

"You hurt yourself to get control of your life?" I asked, it was the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.

"It was something wasn't it, it was the only way I could go on without him. It was always so damn painful! This feeling of my heart being ripped out piece by piece and nothing would make it go away or dull. Nothing could make me whole again, make me feel like I once was. I was alone and cold." She said and I smirked.

"Kept the window open in December didn't you?" I said and she laughed. I had to change the subject a little, I couldn't stand to look at her while she told me what we did to her. Edward may have made the decision to move, but we all went along without a second thought. Bella deserved better then that, and then hearing what he said to her that day to make her leave. It was all so hard to take, even for a cold, dead vampire!

"I hoped he'd come back, he always snuck in at night and I thought that maybe he would come check on me. I stayed up a lot waiting for him, not wanting to miss if he did come." She said and they shared small talk while they tried on the clothes and waited for Edward to return.

----

(Edward POV)

While I ran to the store, I had a million things running through my mind. My Bella was with me, or with Alice at the moment. She knew I loved her and I committed myself to her again. I just hoped it was enough to get my foot back in the door -- or well her heart. I knew she loved me, I could see it when I looked at her, but I hurt her deeply and that will never leave me. That's the thing about being immortal, you can't outrun your past and can't forget it either. It was like hindsight 20/20, looking back at all you did, all you now know and seeing it for what it was, a learning experience -- right? I use to think that, now it's all a joke, hindsight is a book containing every answer to all the questions we never thought to ask. And I was seeing this first hand, there's nothing I wouldn't give to go back to that day in the woods and rethink all this time -- what would happen to Bella without me? Will I regret this? These were the questions I should have asked myself because I know that it would have changed everything.

I headed across the parking lot and could hear Alice, she was counting in Latin, which meant she was hiding something from me. Clearly her and Bella were talking -- about me. But that didn't matter I would fix this, no matter what happened.

"Honey I'm home." I joked as I came through the door and looked at Bella. "Ah, I see my sister turned you into her own personal Barbie again." I said and watched Bella blush. She was in designer clothes, that fit her much better and wearing some make up. She looked healthy, and alive again. The same way I remembered her before that damn day in the woods. "You look amazing." I said and kissed her cheek and maneuvered her to the table to sit down and eat.

"You don't expect me to eat all of this." She said and I laughed.

"Not right now, but think of it as a lot of snacks. You need to eat small meals regularly if you are going to retrain your body." I said and she just looked at the table, realizing I knew what she was doing.

"Damn med school." I heard her mumble as she took a bite of her sandwhich. Alice just laughed, and sat on the bed talking to Jasper.

"So when are you planning on us going home?"

"You were serious?"

"Yes, I called Carlisle and he and Esme are headed back to Forks as well. He is going to take his old job back and insist it was because 'his son was heartbroken outside of the city.' That way it would look odd when I return to school and to Forks."

"That's perfect!" She said and threw her arms around me, something I have waited so long to feel again. Her warm body pressed to mine of stone. It was a feeling one would never forget. I just held her for a moment before I kissed her forehead. "But I wasn't suppose to go home for a week, I'm supposed to be recovering."

"Ok, we can stay if you want. I'm sure I can sneak into your cousins house just as easily as your own."

"Ummm, not really. See they were doing this all on short notice so I sleep on the couch." She said and I shook my head.

"Unacceptable, you need rest and relaxation. You are staying here or going home." I said and she laughed.

"Still deciding things for me." I started to get worried by her statement, knowing she was right but then she started to laugh and I knew she didn't mind this time. "I wont argue, only because that couch is horrible and will kill my back if I continue to sleep on it."

I convinced her to let us all go home, claiming she was recovered and we bumped into each other at the airport. I was on a layover and it was an accident. But when I seen her I said I couldn't leave her, and convinced my family to return to Forks. Of course this didn't come out until we landed in Forks again. Charlie was angry at first, not accepting my presence in Bella's life, but slowly he started to accept it and accept me again.

_How can I throw him out when this is the best I seen her in months? She's eating again, actual meals and she looks so happy. There's even music coming from her room again, and she leaves her room. She even began to close that window, maybe he is good for her? Besides Carlisle said Edward didn't take things well and begged him to bring them back to Forks. Clearly he loves her --- hell I knew that the first time I seen them together…_ I had been listening to Charlie's thoughts more often as if trying to find a balance or way to reinstill my place in Bella's life in his eyes. I knew it wouldn't be easy but there had to be something, and then I realized it --- I just needed to be with her. That was what he wanted all along, what we both wanted -- Bella to be happy and she was that with me, everyone say so. So I refused to ever doubt that again, to protect her I needed to be with her and I planned to _forever and always!_

_-----_

_Ok I said in the beginning it would be a three shot, but I kind of have an idea of where to go from here but am not sure if I should? Review and let me know if you guys want me to continue or not…._


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